Are New Year's Resolutions necessary Delusions?

31st December in conversation with friend. She says "Next year I am starting my healing business, I've got it all planned."

She has told me this every year for the past twenty years. No healing business, nothing, nada, not a sausage.

Got me thinking.

24th December, my son buys me a selection of  books on writing. Disappointingly Stephen King's "On Writing" recommends writing as the best way of writing.

Got me thinking.

1st January in conversation with self: "This year, I will write that book about the Clearances, watch me". I have said this for five years. No book, nothing, nada, not a sausage.

Got me thinking.

Do I want my dying words to be "I wish I had written that book"? 

Is the desire to write the book better than the writing of it? If I were to write the book, would my life then be empty of meaning? Sounds too Freudian to me!

What stops me from writing. I need the right laptop.  If only I had the right space, the correct desk, the perfect book, the ideal course. Needs that deny my need to write.

Because, don't get me wrong, I am desperate to write. I love writing, I do it in my head all the time. I have always been a writer.

What would you say to a potter who would dream a pot and never use clay? Is a dream pot as good as a real one? As fulfilling? Does it hold water?

Would someone who dreamt clothes and walked around naked be acceptable? 

No, that's not it. I am not naked. I have draped myself in my desire. If I wrote the book I'd have to unwrap myself and stand naked in front of the world. That's not right either. I would be naked.

The unfulfilled desire protects me. 

How much energy do I spend not writing? As much energy as my friend spends not creating her healing centre and may be, as much energy as you spend not (fill in the blanks).

I'll not spend another year with the desire being better than the action. That's not right. It's like wanting to have an orgasm, getting close to it  and yet never daring to. Its horrible!



HAPPY NEW YEAR!

DECEMBER 2012

Monday

If I open the curtains and its raining again…I am not going! No really, I refuse to be drenched to the skin again and carry wet straw into wet pens to fight the battle of keeping the wet pigs less wet than they already are. Everything takes twice as long as it should and everything is twice as heavy as waterlogged. Nobody said anything about endless rain. This time last year I was wingeing about the drought and how we should move out of East Anglia because it was too dry. The Gods are having a laugh. Of course, I go!

Tuesday

Not only did I get drenched to the skin twice yesterday but I fell over and hurt my hip and my pride…truly mostly my pride. I am not as fit and strong as I think I am or wish that I am or delude myself that I am. Cross with myself, the world, the Gods and of course the sodding (literally) rain!

Wednesday

Today is killing the turkeys day. People are milling about and the shed is empty of all the machinery. Five ropes hang there waiting. Execution day… Do you have any idea how difficult it is to kill a turkey? Two grown men with sweat pouring down their face, that’s how hard it is. I would love to be more turkey like when I face death. They don’t struggle or shout, rant and rave. They just hang there without a complaint. At least, we can let Flo roam the farm again. I missed her so much!

Thursday

Plucking fifty turkeys cuts your hands in some many little places and makes your fingers ache a lot. I wonder if people know how much work there is in their Christmas feast. Of course they don’t. Would they eat the turkeys if they knew? Would it make it better or worse? Our turkeys wondered around the farm and once they had told us about Flo and her harassing ways, had a generally good time. Mooched around a lot, ate a lot of whatever they could find, worms as well as corn and all, liked people and pigs and the farmer’s wife pansies (the pests) and nibbled as cabbage leaves. Short but sweet. Flo is happy if somewhat filthy. My back hurts

Friday

Winter Solstice and end of the world planned for today. Felt ridiculously scared. Nothing happened. The internet says that its because it happened on a very subtle level and that the people of the planet Zorg have changed my DNA…don’t want my DNA changed, really like my DNA. Internet says its because my Ego is too strong and I need to get rid of it. Like my Ego, A LOT…do pigs have an Ego? Turkeys might have had but they are all dead now so I cannot ask them…

Saturday

The dawn chorus has started again. I swear the birds know that the season has turned and are celebrating the return of the sun. And the hens have started laying again, just like that. They know! Spring is on its way…there are floods everywhere, it has not stopped raining for a week now. May be the end of the world has taken place when I was not looking. Pigs muddy, boots muddy, waterproofs muddy. Question uppermost in my mind…how do I clean the waterproofs and is it safe to put them in the washing machine…wish I was a pig and could walk around naked…actually no, I don’t! Flo and Fudge do not care…they having a wonderful time dancing around!

Sunday

I wish I did not like it so much, this pig girling thing…then I would not be exhausted, scared and wet a lot of the time (and I don’t even do it full time). It would be nice to wake up and the sun is shining. Wonder if we have indeed entered the Third Age (whatever that is) and that means we will be muddy for ever? Wonder what it must be like to be alive for just a few months for the purpose of being eaten at Christmas. Wonder if it would be better if I did not have so many thoughts in my head. Best get on with the milling then! Its been so wet that all the corn is damp which means we cannot use the trailer which means everything has to be done by hand, bucket by bucket! Powerful thighs guaranteed! Flo, Fudge, the pigs and me say…. Happy Christmas hope you enjoy the turkeys!

WELL... I NEVER...

Yesterday at around 3.30pm, the electricity went off...for 20 hours, that gave us a taste of things to come and I realised why I have been behaving so strangely for the past couple of years.

 Well strangely for the average english house dweller. Every day I clean the woodburner, stack wood inside the house, make sure there is wood outside that is dry and I can easily get to. I also put all the solar lamps to charge even if there is no sun.

 Back to yesterday. Lights off, heating off, cooker off...o dear..

The woodburner was on, kettle simmering on top. Just had to add my old Le Creuset cast iron pot with vegs in it to cook the stew and put some potatoes in the fire for later.

As the night drew in we realised the street lamps were off too and most of our part of the village was dark. Switched solar lamps on, one at a time and snuggled up.

Fed the fire, ate, drank tea, read, listened to our wind up radio...

Felt like a rehearsal. Actually was a rehearsal.

Did not know we use so much hot water, will have to see to that and get a bigger kettle. And all these hours in the darkness (comparatively) were strange on the psychy...we went to bed early

We were woken up in the night by men digging our road up trying to trace the fault and got power back this morning.

I have been so often told that I exagerate, I am a conspiracy theorist, I am too extreme...well last night, I was proven right and this morning I feel...well proud, I guess and a bit smug...o all right...a lot smug!

Whatever, whenever, we are ready for it!

PS. We lost internet too...this needs working on.

PPS. no photos...dark...

Money is Evil or how did I get myself in that mess....

Hey, I'm back, did not realise I had not written for two years but there it is and I am back. Today's great revelation is about money and I want to thank my friend Chris for his conversation this afternoon that made me work it all out.

I have been helping out on a farm for more than a year now and loved every minute of it. I did not get "paid" in cash but got plenty of meat and vegetables from the farm shop. The relationship with the farmer was easy going and on the basis of "Baya, you are helping us out, you do what you can and if it does not feel right or its too much for you, then don't do it". It worked very well for a whole year.

But of course, in my head the money matter was growing...people were saying, how are you getting paid, how much doe they pay you...and little by little I became convinced that I had to extract some hard cash from the farmer.

Eventually, he agreed to pay for my petrol. Victory, I thought and felt all valued and declared I now "worked" there.

Only....

Last week, suddenly, I was threatened with "the sack". I did something wrong and was told it was a "sackable offence"...may be they were joking but actually, there was a lot of shouting involved. I could not work it out and was very upset. What had happened to my lovely relationship with the farmer. Why was I told that I could not take this or that vegetable because they were too expensive, why was I expected to work harder, longer. Why did I start feeling anxious about going there to "work".

And then, suddenly, during that conversation with Chris, it became clear...money had entered the arena and changed everything! It did not matter what the amount was, what happened is suddenly they "owned" me. Unconsciously, I became an "employee" thus sackable, thus exploitable, thus expendable. My labour there was based on an exchange of gifts, now its based on cash and everything had changed.

Can I retrieve this situation by saying I don't want money anymore? Will we ever go back to the easy earlier relationship, either that or I shall leave because, guess what. I am getting "paid" but I no longer enjoy myself there. I am under an obligation and the worse of it is that I created it, I wanted cash, to be valued enough to be given crisp pound notes without of course realising that my value diminished as soon as money was involved.

Money is evil, I tell you!

SELF SUFFICIENCY

Baya happy  in the summer

Been having a rather though time in the past few weeks. Beavering away knitting my fingers to the bone. Tea cosies, mittens, flowers...work work work work. Stuff to sell. Stuff to make and stuff to sell. Stuff..

Then I sat down for the Samhain ritual, last Sunday and asked for a vision from the fire (as you do if you are that way inclined - if you are not, just think that I was meditating - oops that probably sounds dismissive but I mean it. Gazing into the fire, looking for a vision from the ancestors is a bit like meditating). The fire was good and strong and this ancestor came along and said : "Self-sufficiency is also about being sufficient to oneself".

It hit me there and then between my brows. I have been (once again, bitten by lady consumerism) dizzying myself instead of being self sufficient. Busy busy busy busy. How can I possibly be stressed and busy when the stress of  WORK has been removed (blessed be she who has removed it) from my life.

But you see, I HAVE BEEN PRETENDING TO WORK! Like a slave, I have knitted, dug, whatevered myself into a frenzy. Anything to not accept that I am no longer working, there is no need to be stressed, worried about money, etc. etc.

So as we enter the descent into the winter of the land, here is what I am going to do. I am going to go for Self Sufficiency and be sufficient to myself. How, I am not sure. It will start however with me stopping to pretend that I am working and that I am really really busy.

So if you hear me say those things, please tell me and I'll stop (if it was that simple). Do you fancy having a go yourself?

Happy descent....

MIND YOUR ONIONS....

This is simply too beautiful so I had to show it to you...it has nothing to do with my onions story but made my heart sing. It was taken on the 10th 10 10 at 10 past...13 hours (sorry, did not/could not carry on the 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 etc. theme).

This whole 10 10 etc. thing was really amazing because whoever decided it was an important and auspicious date (be it angels, guides or some clever person) was quite right. It turns out that if you decide whatever date is an auspicious one then it becomes auspicious. Spent the day with my Satsang friends going "lovely" this and "lovely" that for no apparent reason but the fact that a) the sun was shining and b) I had been told it was going to be a lovely day being the etc. etc. etc...

So I suggest that we all decide that random days/hours/minutes are going to be lovely and it is garanteed to make them lovely, for sure!

As to the onions...went to my local farm equipment shop to get my early onions set. I plant onions and garlic around my vegetable beds in the autumn and believe that it protects them from pests...funnilly enough, the pests seem to believe it too which means that my crops are usually not eaten by snails and sluggs although my lovely neighbour suggested the first year that was because they "had not found me yet", a lovely image of gossiping sluggs knitting in a corner of the field behind us saying "have you heard that French woman at number 75 has planted her beans" came to my mind then and has never quite left it...

Sorry, keep wondering off the point, back to the onions...as I was walking into the shop, I spotted a huge bag of grown up onions for sale at £3.50. Now my onion set was going to cost me £1.70 for 70 baby onions and I could have a whole lot more for £3.50 with no back breaking work, no tilling, weeding, digging. And I did wonder then, dear reader, why I bother, I did, I really did and nearly bought the grown up onions when I remembered that its not about money, its about love! Its about ritual. In October/November I plant my onions and garlics and then they grow and in the spring they get the sluggs off my plot and then I harvest them and they taste nice and they give me good energy and vibes because, I love my land, I dig it on my knees with all my heart and I can taste it!

There they are, my little baby onions, aren't they cute

I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW YOU OR IS IT TIME FOR THE ST. JOHN'S WART YET...

Sorry, people but there are not going to be any jolly old photos of an artistic nature today in the blog cause, I am bored with trying to be artistic.

Its funny writing a blog. Its fun to start with and then I got all into pictures and being clever and then after last week's...well I want to get back to basics.

So here are my meanderings for the week...

I feel like its February and have been looking longingly at my stock of St. John's Wort thinking may be I could just start on it a bit early. That was untill I pulled myself severely together and realised that Feb is in...o my Goddess, in 5 months time....so there is no way no way at all we can break into the St.J.W.

But what to do when it is so damp and grey and feels like the Grizzle (drizzle, grrrrr) will never stop. Cannot garden as all damp and looking like the Somme in 1917, no healthy walk to forrage as ditto and bored with knitting shawls that I have to unknit because I cannot count properly.

There is always the Parish Council tonight, I hear you cry on the sidelines...zzzzzzzz

Ok, so no pictures, no St.J.W., lack of Shawl patterns for idiots and have spent the afternoon battling with Direct Debits (DD, the sneeky brigade).

The Beloved wailed as she was doing the accounts that some DDD (Dastardly DD'ers) had put their prices up by 50% for no apparent reason so I got onto my high horse and grabbed the phone (thereby running a huge bill with Cable, those other fiends) and got them all....reduced...some of them substantially ie from £15 a month to £5.00....how does that work then? Apparently they have "leway" said one of the nice people that cut my costs down...

Oh that has cheered me up! I could not break the nice Virging Media girl from India though...she just could not bring our costs down and suggested may be we should stop using the telephone. Which was a fair point since Skyping does not cost a penny...then I contacted BT who are cheaper but the Beloved in turn sobbed and said she could not live without the Virgin Play back thingy so...we are staying put.

On the plus sign, Bedfordshire Libraries (Goddess blessings to them, they are the best) do have a copy of the book on how to live without money in stock and WILL lend it to me for £1.00 and they WILL think about ordering a book that Kestrel recommended on Stoneage skills for today people...so I love them.

I am glad I did not do pictures today because writing all this down has made me put my St.J.W. away in its little February cocoon and realise that it might be grey outside but today has been a GREAT DAY...I have battled with the DD and won some over and I have talked to Kestrel about our weird and wonderful lifestyle( I love the connection and the feeling of not being alone).

Thanks for listening... I am all perked up and smily (but no photo of that either)...life is great and I can may be not beat the system but certainly annoy it and nibble at it!

Good luck with your battles, struggles, whatever they are and do put away the St.J.W. I swear, the sun has just come out for one second and the sky is clearing in front of my eyes, the cats are dancing around the garden and a cup of tea has just materialised by my side (thanks Beloved)...SMILE